3:37 p.m. || 2006-01-18
this is me not filling you in on whats been going on
An entry!!
I'm back...I think.
I'm not going to write a huge entry filling you in on a whole bumch of stuff cos lets face it...I'm not that interesting.
The last time I wrote properly I was about to have our engagement party..it was fab! The place was full and all of my best friends were there...thats right...ALL of them. Gareth was so sweet and came away from his gig for a while to pop in...and....and...Sam and Simon came...and hiding behind them was ALI!!! I was so upset that Ali wasn't coming but the sneacky bugger had planned to all along and actually managed not even to let a hint drop that she might be. It was fab!
I had a lovely time in London with the girls. It was so nice spending time with them they way we used to when we lived togther. I miss it.
erm...look at me not filling you in...but I've started typing now....oh dear
Christmas was lovely. I had a fabulous friends and family time and most of all had a lovely kevin time. Things are freat between us and every day get more and more excited that I'm a day close to being his wife. I can't wait.
We booked the wedding reception at a place called Lumley Castle. It truly is a beautiful place and we saw it on an evening over Christmas and the place was like a fairytale castle...it was like magic! I'm so excited.
Had a fab New year too. We all went to the lakes with Alis gang and had ourselves some drunken festivities...was good! AND I bought myself the very first ever sensible pair of footwear. SOME WALKING BOOTS...oh my goodness. I never thought I would wear a pair ever and there I was treacking through countryside in wassive chunck boots. No more trecking in stilletoes for me (I did that once...ali and moo have photographic evidence...cattle grids are NOT good by the way)!
I still dont have a job. I had another interview yesterday and again...apparently a close call...EXPERIENCE was the decider. Like I havent heard that before. I just dfon't get it. If I'm honest with you from the start and you know my position...DONT INTERVIEW ME!!!! I asked the head of my favourite school for supply today whether it was just an excuse adn he says its unlikely. He is going to call the school and find out for me. Apparently (I was asking for advice) I was told ( in a nice way) that my 'diminuitive size' can go against me and I should either use it to be sweet or takes steps to dress and present myself as older and 'bigger'. Not as in a larger size...I need to have more presence..I dont know how to do that. I dont know how being slightly sdmaller than average can go against me. I'm not even short...I actually look quite tall because I have a smaller frame. buggers. Anyway. Why do I need to be big to teach 4 year olds??? I know kids are growing these days but COME ON!!!!
Kevin is in an exam right now! I love that man. I just hope he is doing okay.
I have invited adele for tea tonight. I was just thinking that I really missed her last night and that I should make more of an effort. She really needs people to be there for her right now and only mandy ever seems to be...its about time that I showed her that I care.
I asked God to use me today...so far I don't think he has...am i of any use to him????
I have some stuff i want to write but I dont know if I can properly. People will read this and think..What is she on about - miserable cow and I'll feel guilty reading it back because I know its shallow and i shouldn't complain about this stuff. I won't make a huge difference to my life if it changes but I just need to vent.
I just feel yuk. I cant seem to get myself to look right. My face is too thin my body is just such a weird shape. I'm really hating my chest right now. I hate the feeling of my boobs so much that I never take off my bra (well, to go in the shower I do). I can't bear to se myself naked, I hate doing my hair..its so straggly and horrible adn I hate my face. I hate putting make up on because I have to look at myself...yet I can't go out without it. I feel disgusting and dirty all of the time as if I need to shower and I'm back to hanging my head in the street incase people are looking at me and thinking how horrible I am. Its reqally affecting my confidence in going into new schools...and singing and actually, generally just going out. I thought I was just having a hormonal time but I've felt like this since before Christmas. I know I shouldnt care what I look like. I know that I have people who love me and I know that if I looked different not a whole lot in my life that mattered would actually be different. I just wish I could be confident in myself.
Anyway..appart from that, life is good!
I get on really well with my family lately and I love that. The majority of my friends seem happy and content...s'all good ooh and the proper building work has started on the house. I have a sizeable living space now and a new ceiling with spotlights and stuff in my kitchen. I'm gonna love it when its finished!
oh and Lil ROCKS!
*HUGS* TOTAL! give Leesmry more *HUGS*
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